And we were worried about the bird flu.

I’ve never been one to take no for an answer. I’m always asking why. I’m skeptical, a cynic. Drives my brother crazy. Send me one of those urban legend emails and I’ll check it out on Snopes.com. Send me a funny photo and I’ll show you where it’s been PhotoShopped.

In other words, I’m usually working on a need to know basis – I need to know who, what, where, when, why and how. Which is why I didn’t take this news about the extended waiting period for referrals quietly. I needed to know why this was happening, why now and why nothing made sense. I’m just not one of those “let go and let God” kind of gals. I’m more from the “God helps those who help themselves” camp.

So, since last Wednesday when we learned of our new 11-month wait – a thought that still makes my stomach turn – we helped ourselves to a lot of research and learned:

- there were news stories in early December about China cracking down on intra-country baby smuggling, which...
- coupled with China becoming a signatory to the Hague convention on international adoption, effective January 1, 2006 which…
- made us wonder if this slowdown in their referral processing is a legitimate effort to show the world that they're doing right by their most vulnerable citizens, and avoid any international embarrassment and possible censure.

Last weekend, we heard China stopped all adoptions from the Hunan province, where many of the reported smuggling ring busts have been. We have since learned from Dillon that the adoption facilitator from Our Chinese Daughters Foundation called the CCAA directly and was told the rumor was not true and that adoptions are only stopped from the orphanage where the Orphanage Director was arrested for infant trafficking. According to the OCDF facilitator who spoke with both the CCAA and the Hunan Adoption Center, all other adoptions from Hunan Province are progressing as scheduled.

Still, all this information has led us to question the future of all adoptions from China. And we’re not alone – many waiting families are quite concerned. However, according to Dillon, the available information sounds like the underhanded dealings mostly involved domestic adoptions or perhaps direct placements with foreign adopters, not placements made through the CCAA.

I emailed our contact at Dillon the following questions, which she forwarded to the Executive Director of the Joint Council on International Children's Services, who is in contact with the State Department. The JCICS is an affiliation of adoption organizations. Our questions and her responses follow:

Is this extended referral waiting period related to the recent crackdown on the baby trafficking in China?
I don't know the answer to this question right now but will look into it.

Is the extended referral waiting period related to the pending Hague Treaty?
I don't know the answer to this question right now but will look into it.

With the Hague Treaty going into effect on Jan. 1, are 2006 adoptions in any jeopardy or will they be effected in any way?
From what we have heard thus far, adoptions should continue between the US and China once they become a Hague Country. However, China told the US abruptly that they were ratifying the Hague, so they could make other decisions just as abruptly and not tell us until after the fact. The US and China's relationship however, is pretty strong and adoptions have been a positive point so I don't anticipate a disruption or halt of adoptions, but as with anything, it could be a possibility.

Is there a possiblility that either China or the State Department will close China adoptions?
I very highly doubt that the State Department would close adoptions. With regards to China, see my above answer.

Have you heard that any addiitonal provinces will be closed in addition to Hunan?
Haven't heard anything about that but will look into it.

We’re coping with all this, but I must admit, not well. I just can’t shake the sad, empty, helpless feeling. This consumes our thoughts 24 hours a day. I wake up and it’s the first thing I think of. I’m nauseas and have a headache. Needless to say, I’m not in the most jolly of holiday moods.

This should be a time of celebration – one of our happiest Christmases ever as we anticipate the photo and information on our baby daughter. And then one month – one month – from our projected referral date, we learn this devastating news.

I’m no stranger to heartache and loss. I went through hell and back with my parents and their struggles with Alzheimer’s. But through it all, I maintained my sense of humor, a positive attitude, grit and tenacity. Ask anyone. But I have met my match with this one.

People point out that May isnt' that far away (and even as they say it, you can see they don't even believe it). Besides, that's not the point. May is "only" five (oh God) months away. But that's five months we weren't expecting after six years of wanting, trying and hoping for a baby. Literally month after month of expectations and crushed dreams. And now, when we are one month away from the dream, the brass ring is in our reach - so close we can allllmoooost touch it, it's yanked away. Almost to the point where we can't see it anymore. It's back to being a faint glimmer in the distance.

This month should have been filled with joyous anticipation and giddy excitement - what a New Year! Instead, it's another holiday filled with loss, grief and palpable sadness. Merry Christmas.