Oscar, Oscar! Who will win?

I thought I'd break the monotony of referral redux with a little "live" commentary on the Oscars. First, my predictions:

Best Picture: Maybe Brokeback Mountain, but don't be surprised if Crash wins. Crash is amazing - the cast, the screenplay, the direction. It's a worthy contender.
Best Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He brought Capote to life. Heath Ledger played a man who's life was on a low, simmering boil, but his low-key intensity can't match Hoffman's pitch-perfect (pun intended) portrayal.
Best Actress: Seriously, who cares? Felicity or Reese. It was a bad year for women in film. So NO award to the film industry.
Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney. I'm biased in this one because a) I looooove him. He's the one man I will leave G for. He's handsome and posesses the two qualities I adore: integrity and humor; and b) he's already won. It's about an hour into the show!
Best Supporting Actress: I wanted Michelle Williams to win, but I knew Rachel Weisz would. I'm three for three in the big categories!
Best Documentary Feature: I love documentaries - you'd think I'd watch more of them! I picked the Penguins and am now four for four in the big boy categories.

We are currently announcing Best Art Direction. I'm going with Memoirs of a Geisha. Am I right? We're going live to the theater...Memoirs of a Geisha! I win!

I've also won on Best Costume - Memoirs, as well. I've lost out on Documentary Short Subject, Live Action Short Film, Animated Feature and Animated Short Film. The only categories that matter to the nominees and winners.

Back to my predictions and commentary - I loooooove the song from Crash, In the Deep - and who wouldn't want It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp from Hustle & Flow to win? - but I predict Travelin' On from Transamerica will win.

Isaac Mizrahi Alert: A few notes on fashion - I heart Reese's dress. I do NOT heart Charlize's - "hey Charlize - the 80s called - they want their big bow back."

Now we're onto Original Score. I'm with Brokeback Mountain again. The score reflects the grandeur of the scenery, but also the achingly painful longing - and loss - of the characters. But it could be John Williams. Let's listen to the nominees and see who wins. And the Oscar goes to...Brokeback Mountain! Piper - mommy now has five right! Remember this moment when I'm in the nursing home and don't remember how to tie my shoes.

Now we're onto Sound Mixing. Who cares? I only care about how incredible Jessica Alba looks! What an amazing dress! Charlize - take notes. Oh, King Kong won - which means I'm right again! I guess I do care! G picked War of the Worlds. Piper, take note - mommy is right and daddy is wrong. Something to remember.

We're up to Best Original Song...the winner is...It's Hard Out Here to be a Pimp! Holy crap! I shoulda known since they always have the winner perform last. Must remember that for next year...if we even get to watch next year.

Biggie category, Sound Editing. I love editing - I believe movies are made in the editing suite. So this is a truly underrated category. I picked War of the Worlds. So did G. The Oscar goes to...King Kong, my second choice.

Gasp! It's George Clooney. How I love him. Who cares what he's saying...

Okay, onto Foreign Language Film...oh, I think George and I could speak our own foreign language. Oh, sorry - I voted for Tstotsi. The Oscar goes to Tsotsi! Kids, listen to NPR. You'll nail these obscure categories everytime without watching a single film. Besides, this sounds like an amazing film. Think we'll check it out soon.

Gasp! It's Ziyi Zhang! She's incredible. We love her so. Our favorite actress these days. And such a beautiful dress! She's announcing Film Editing - you know how I feel about editing. We voted for Crash. And it's the winner! Hmmmm, could be a Crash sweep?

Hilary Swank looks like a long, svelte, black column of gorgeous. Good dress choice. She's presenting Best Actor. And the winner is...Phillip Seymour Hoffman! Yes! Great actor. Ill-fitting tux. The anti-Hilary - he's a frumpy, black, stump of schlump. But can he act!

And now for Best Actress. Yep. Reece. Wow. Imagine winning against Dame Judy Densch. What a stunning gown. Does she ever do anything wrong, fashionwise?

Okay, Adapted Screenplay. I picked Brokeback. The winner is...Brokeback Mountain! Larry McMurtry has on jeans. Come on, Lar - break the mold once. The rental jacket came with pants. And straighten your tie.

Uma Thurman is stunning - natch. Original screenplay is up - I went with Crash. The award goes to...Crash! Damn, I'm good. Seriously, if you haven't seen it, rent it.

Okie dokie - best director. I went with Ang Lee. No surprise...or is it? Loveable Tom Hanks says - Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain. Yup!

Ooooo - time for Best Picture. What is up with Jack Nicholson and sunglasses? The winner is...GASP! CRASH! What did I say? Damn, I wish I'd put money on this thing.

Well, to quote Brokeback - I wish I could quit you, Piper. But I can't. My every waking thought comes back to you. I wish you were here, sleeping upstairs during the Oscars. Or crying out and disturbing the Oscars. Or sleeping in your pack & play in the living room throughout the Oscars. I don't care where you are as long as you're here.

I can't quit you. And I never will.