Speechless

I just don't know what to say. Probably because I don't know...anything. With every passing day, I know less and less about when we can expect Piper's referral. I've heard several rumors that say the CCAA is working to make the wait 12 months. No longer. Which, at this point, would be great. But I honestly don't see how they can pull that off. They'll have to work hard and fast over the next three months to match all of June.

To the uninitiated, that may seem like a long time to match 32 days worth of dossiers...but in China adoption time, it's not. They took three months - and counting - to match May's dossiers. And it's not like the referral is an automatic ticket to ride. After we accept the referral, it's another wait for travel approval. And that wait can be as long as three months.

To be fair - if anything can be considered "fair" anymore - the six to seven month wait was an exception to the international adoption rule. Most other countries have a wait at least that long. So, this is "normal." It's just hard to make the shift when your heart and mind were set for so long on half that.

The thing is, this is what I dreaded. Honestly. It seemed to me that Chinese adoption was spinning out of control - more and more families were adopting and taking China's girls away. China had to stop and think, "hey - our daughters are becoming a commodity!" It just seemed to me that they had to put the brakes on...I just hoped it would be after we had Piper. Which is why my other unspoken fears remain just that...unspoken.

So, I've built a wall around my heart for protection. But in the process, I've blocked out baby Piper. I don't think of her any longer...I can't. She used to be somewhat "real" but the longer the wait, the less real she's become. She's a vapor, a mist...a ghost from my past. Or is it my future? I really don't know. I don't know...anything.